The 36 questions
In 1997 psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues showed that two strangers answering thirty-six increasingly personal questions grow measurably closer — a 2015 New York Times essay made the list famous, and at least a few participants ended up married. It isn't a spell; it's structured vulnerability, taken in turns. Wording below is lightly adapted from the study.
How to play: read each question aloud; both answer, alternating who goes first. Three sets, deeper each time — about an hour total. At the end, the optional classic: four minutes of silent eye contact.
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
The finale: look into each other's eyes for four minutes. In silence. It's harder and better than it sounds.
Adapted from Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone & Bator (1997), "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness." Closeness guaranteed by no one; conversations, almost certainly.
Continue the thread
How to set up the 36 questions
The questions do the heavy lifting, but the setting decides whether they land. A few things that help:
- Block out a full evening. Rushing set III because the film starts at nine undoes the whole point of increasing depth.
- Sit facing each other, close enough to talk quietly. A kitchen table works better than a sofa with a screen in view.
- Put phones out of reach, except the one showing the questions.
- Something to sip, nothing to perform. Tea or a glass of wine is fine; a crowded bar is not.
Agree before you start that either of you can say pass without explaining. Knowing the exit exists usually makes people braver, not quieter. If one of you is nervous, say so out loud at the start. Naming the nerves is a small act of honesty that sets the tone for everything that follows.
Pacing: the part most people get wrong
The sets are built to climb slowly, so let them. In set I, keep answers short and playful. In set II, allow a pause before answering — the first thing that comes to mind is often the safe version. By set III, listen more than you plan your own answer. If one answer opens a longer conversation, follow it; you can finish the list another night.
Some questions ask you to say what you like about the other person. These feel awkward precisely because they matter. Be specific: the way you explain things to my mother beats you are kind.
Doing it as an established couple
The original experiment paired strangers, but long-term partners use the list too. You will not learn their favourite food; you may learn what they would change about how they were raised, or which memory they treasure most, and that is often news even after years. Treat familiar answers as a check-in: is that still true for you? If you enjoy this format, the deep questions and date-night decks keep the habit going without repeating the same thirty-six.
What the 36 questions can and cannot do
They can create a feeling of closeness in one evening, because taking turns being honest is how closeness is built anyway. They cannot create attraction that is not there, reveal whether you should be together, or fix a conflict you are avoiding. If an answer uncovers a sore spot, thank your partner for saying it and give the topic its own conversation later — the hard-conversation check can help you prepare.
The four minutes of eye contact at the end is optional. Many people laugh in the first thirty seconds; that is normal. Keep going quietly and see what the silence does.
After the last question
Do not rush to evaluate the evening. Wash the cups, go for a short walk, or simply sit for a while. The next day, share one answer of theirs that stayed with you and say why. If you want a keepsake, each write down the question you found hardest and keep the two notes together; reread them on your next anniversary and see whether your answers have changed.
Frequently asked questions
Can you do the 36 questions over a video call?
Yes, as long as you both can see each other and are not multitasking. For the eye-contact finale, look into the camera rather than at the screen.
Do we both have to answer every question?
The classic way is for both people to answer each one, alternating who goes first. Skipping a question is fine; just make sure the skips are not always on one side.
Is it okay to use the 36 questions on a first date?
It can work if you both know what you are doing and agree to it. Springing all three sets on someone unannounced can feel like an interview, so ask first or start with set I only.
What if the evening felt awkward rather than close?
Awkwardness is part of the format, especially in set III. Talk about how it felt the next day; that conversation is often where the closeness actually shows up.